#228: I Hand Out Free Advice
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The first Democratic debate of the 2020 election season will see two nights (6/26, 6/27) of ten candidates each (NBC/MSNBC).
Here are the top 13 candidates, along with a message for each that to my mind best suits their future in politics (for some, this involves dropping out). I'll begin with the least likely to do well--again, as I see it, and end with the most likely. [Not Mentioned are Tulsi Gabbard, Bill DeBlasio, John Delaney, Eric Swalwell, Kirsten Gillibrand, Tim Ryan, and Michael Bennet, who should realize the end is near and drop out sooner-rather-than-later to avoid further embarrassment].
#13: Joe Biden. "I'm a team player, and on our team George Washington laid down the rules: once you've served your country, it's time to retire. In the weeks to come I'll be organizing Team Blue (link), where all our major candidates will be offered a role in the next administration, including yours truly (Defense Secretary). Our Republican opponent might be able to beat one of us, but together, we offer what America wants: trusted, experienced leadership." (walks off stage)
#12: Bernie Sanders. "I humbly submit that I've learned three things in this, my second run for president: 1. I've become a team player and will be permanently joining the Democratic Party. 2. Elizabeth Warren is a much more likely vessel for our hopes and dreams than I am; so, I'll be ending my campaign, returning with renewed vigor to the Senate, and will support Senator Warren's campaign if and when I'm needed. and 3. The body ages, whether we like it or not; I don't like it, but that's life. I bid you all farewell; it has been a true pleasure." (walks off stage)
#11: John Hickenlooper. "I'm a team player. ...In fact, I've already been contacted by Vice President Biden about joining Team Blue. We'll be discussing my future role, perhaps as a combined Small Business Administration / Commerce secretary, with an emphasis on incubators, funding streams, and promising start-ups. In fact, I'm so sure I want to do this that I'm ending my run for the presidency." (walks off stage)
#10: Jay Inslee. "Even though I, too, have been offered a cabinet position on Team Blue (EPA administrator), and even though I understand the potential danger in publicly discussing our team's strategy ahead of 'the game', I feel I still have a role to play raising Climate Change as an issue, and will continue to make every effort to win our party's nomination."
#9: Marianne Williamson. "It's jarring to realize just how long we've lived with war--ever since 2001; 18 years! I'm sure there's a way to return to peace, and I'll help find it."
#8: Andrew Yang. "My first instinct was to propose a Universal Basic Income that would apply to everyone; unfortunately, the cost would be prohibitive. I realize now that a targeted UBI, focused on providing equal opportunity to all is the more likely approach. If everyone has hope--and access to money, our economy can meet its potential. "
#7: Cory Booker: "I was joking backstage with a custodian. I told him we were all forming Team Blue, and we needed a card-carrying union guy for Secretary of Labor. Ok, so he wasn't interested, and I'm not sure I'm cut out to be a Housing and Urban Development secretary (which I've been offered), but I just love the Team Blue idea. Now that Joe and Bernie have graciously stepped aside, we're all one team, and I for one pledge not to 'go negative' on any fellow candidates. Ladies and gentlemen, we can do this."
#6: Julian Castro: "I'd like to second 'brother Booker'. We'll be respectful, we'll be willing to listen, we'll be open to new ideas and new faces. We'll show the American people what my buddy Joe Biden mentioned: "trusted, experienced leadership". So, whether it's win the 'whole enchilada', or just help shape our party's direction (I've been asked to head Homeland Security), we'll bring our supporters with us all the way to the voting booth and beyond."
#5: Beto: "I'm so honored to be on this stage tonight, along with my Team Blue teammates. Surely the seismic change we're seeing unfold here, the dedication to America's interests, rather than our own need to win, will stand out in the minds of future historians as a natural echo of George Washington's standing down after two terms. And whether I become president, or whether I serve as Energy or Education secretary on Team Blue (positions I've been offered), I will be a proud man, indeed."
#4: Elizabeth Warren: "'I had a plan' for this introductory speech [laughter], until my good friend Bernie announced his surprise exit from the race. So now, I'd like to thank not only my supporters, who've made my dreams come true, and Vice President Biden, for offering me the Treasury secretary position (in conjunction with my senatorial duties), but my dear colleague Bernie, for his selfless dedication to what this country could be if we simply care enough to vote that dream into reality."
#3: Kamala Harris: "If 'brother Julian' doesn't mind, I'd like to borrow his brotherhood/sisterhood term to emphasize that we're all one family here on this stage. And whether I serve as the next president (our first female, and first Asian-American president, mind you), or whether I accept the Justice Department position 'brother Biden' has offered--or is it Uncle Joe? [laughter], I'll keep things 'in the family'."
#2: Amy Klobuchar: "Someone on this stage will be president in 2021. To get there our nominee will have to get past the current occupant. I look forward to that task, because I've been there before. As many of you know, my father was an alcoholic who I was forced to confront on a daily basis. I'm actually good at that sort of thing. But whether I'm the next Democratic president, or join Team Blue as Drug Czar or Secretary of Agriculture, I know full well how to fight like the future depends on me doing so."
#1: Mayor Pete: "There isn't any better way to put this, except to say that being part of a welcoming family here on this stage is what each viewer at home can expect to experience with Team Blue. We're dedicated to each other--as brothers and sisters--and will include each of you watching tonight in our prayers, as we work together as a family. And whether I'm your new president, or whether I accept Vice President Biden's offer to be UN Ambassador, I'll be praying for our nation."
Note: since our 13 candidates won't be on the same stage together, we'll assume that this all happens at the second debate in late July.
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